Greenwich YWCA calls community to action to believe survivors
By Hannah Dellinger Updated
GREENWICH — Luz hid her bruises with makeup and a smile.
At first, she said the abuse began with her husband
belittling her, cursing at her and taking control of her finances. Then it
became physical. Luz grew isolated from her friends and family. She was
embarrassed and didn’t want anyone to know what she was suffering.
“I wanted people to see me as strong woman, mom and wife,”
Luz said at a candlelight vigil honoring victims and survivors of domestic
violence Tuesday night at YWCA Greenwich.
“People were baffled when they learned about the abuse. But
the truth is, it happens gradually,” she said as she explained her story. “By
the time I realized I was in an abusive relationship, I had invested so much of
myself and my self-esteem was chipped away so much, I didn’t think could be
alone.”
Many obstacles kept her from leaving her husband of 20
years, Luz told the crowd. Culturally, she was taught to make sacrifices for
her family and to not talk about what happened behind closed doors.
When police responded to Luz’s home for reports of a
domestic incident, she said some officers sided with her husband because they
were friends. One night, Luz said she was arrested after defending herself
against her husband’s attacks.
The system re-victimized her, Luz said. She was put in the
position of telling her employer the details of her abuse to explain her
arrest, and she didn’t qualify for legal aid because she was facing charges
herself. She was also facing deportation and losing custody of her children.
A co-worker eventually connected Luz with the resources at
the YWCA.
“Their support was invaluable to my recovery,” she said. “I
met so many courageous women. I didn’t feel judged or alone.”
Eventually, Luz said the charges against her were dropped
and she filed for divorce. A year later, she is working to rebuild her life with
her kids.
“My children are very understanding and resilient,” she
said. “I am grateful they are living with less fighting, arguing and stress.
But the ramifications of the abuse don’t go away. It left emotional scars that
need love and support to heal.”
The YWCA Greenwich’s candlelight vigil, a annual event held
since 2004, served as a unique opportunity this year for survivors and
advocates to ask for a call to action.
Gender-based violence has remained in the shadows for too
long, said Meredith Gold, director of domestic abuse services for YWCA
Greenwich.
“And it is this, exactly this, this secrecy, that abusers
have counted upon,” she said. “To cast doubt on the credibility of survivors,
has made all of us complicit in the perpetuation of abuse.”
In the #MeToo era, amid a slew of new allegations levied
against powerful people, Gold said conversations about domestic violence,
sexual assault and harassment have never happened so publicly before.
“Today, our hotline is busier than ever with survivors coming
forward to share their stories and seek support, trying to reconcile their
experiences with what they are witnessing and hearing about in daily news
coverage,” she said. “We ask that today become the day when the statistics we
all know so well become more than just numbers we recite.”
The names of 20 people who died as a result of domestic
violence this year were read aloud at and roses were placed in memoriam of
each. The victims — both male and female — ranged in age from 10 months to 79
years.
Rosie Enyart, youth engagement and community educator for
YWCA Greenwich, closed the night by asking the community to take small steps to
change a culture that perpetuates sexual violence.
“Talk to your children about relationships,” she said.
“Teach them how to ask for consent.
“Model healthy boundaries and encourage them to express
their emotions. Teach them, by example, what healthy relationships look like.”
Enyart asked the crowd to make it known they believe
survivors.
“Use your vote to support survivors,” she said. “It is up to
each of us to recognize abusive behavior and not only show solidarity with
survivors, but to condemn abusive behavior when we see or hear it.”
If you are someone or you know someone who is suffering from
domestic or sexual violence, call the YWCA hotline at 203-622-0003. For more
information, visit ywcagreenwich.org.